Sunday, February 7, 2010

One Step at a Time

Like many others I wondered how people moved forward after the loss of a child. I am learning a lesson I never wanted to learn. I will tell you that it is the hardest journey I have had to make, and we've only taken the first small steps.

There is still joy--we tell "Jon Ford" stories about the many memories we share. I have learned much about my son in the past few days that I did not know because he had many friends in different walks of life, and of course his time with his family here has created a pool of adventures and experiences I knew only in part, because I live six hours away. It's a journey of discovery, pain, laughter, and appreciation for the man he was, the husband he learned to be, and the father he became.

This beginning of the journey is longer than many have to endure because of the circumstances. An accident means that certain things must be done before interment. Being far from home complicates the process because of travel and weather difficulties. We are suspended in time, days pass and I'm not sure exactly what day it is. At the same time, I don't want the finality to come because then we will truly have to say good-bye.

So we wait. The 27" of snow kept everyone busy yesterday and will continue to do so today. The snow was a blessing in some ways because it allowed a break in the stream of visitors and we could relax and simply be. Having said that, I will also say that the support and comfort brought by the presence of family and friends has been valuable and appreciated. Today I think everyone here is ready to get out a little and I hope that we will see more loved faces now that the roads are somewhat clear.

I have wondered about this blog and how I will continue it. Can I write here as I have in the past about all the little things that make up our life? Or will it be too difficult when it seems pointless and...what? Insignificant? Trivial when the weight of loss will be a heavy load for many, many days to come?

My son would want us to continue our lives, to work and accomplish as he was so driven to do in his lifetime, to enjoy and relish the time we have to the fullest extent possible, as he did. Saying that is easier than doing it.

I will continue to write, and I think it will be much as before, with this change: there will be a dark patch in the quilt of my life, richly patterned and deep, the patch that will stand out from the others. As Jon, who in life stood out wherever he went.

The journey continues, one step at a time.

29 comments:

hope said...

I have no profound words, just that I care.

Perhaps you can use your blog to lean on us when the road gets hard.

Janie B said...

Right now you need to lean into the grief and accept it's pain. When you are ready you will know the answers you need. For now, just be. The world and your blog aren't going anywhere. ((hugs))

Nessa said...

My words could never express how I feel for you. I prayer for you and your family.

Susan at Stony River said...

You've been in my thoughts all through these days -- I'm so happy that Mother Nature blessed you and your family with the snow for its peace, and keeping busy.

Thank goodness you've all got each other in the days to come, and afterward. Enjoy the stories and all their hugs! We can wait; I miss you, but at a time like this, what can't wait?
XOX

Debbie Couture said...

You will go on but Jon's death does make a lot of things seem less important. We can only be there for our loved ones and move on thru this life together. Do what you have to get thru. Both of my parents died in "accidents" and I think of them often but don't think much about the accidents. All your friends and family are here for you. Take good care of yourself. Whatever you do you will do well.

ELLOUISESTORY said...

Susanna - sending hugs and prayers. I have walked in your shoes - Janie is right - the answers will be there when you are ready for them. Please be kind to yourself. Soak up the love and healing in this storied time with your family. You have also gathered another family on your blog and we are all here to lend a hand when you need it.

Anonymous said...

As I said my friend, I am here as one who has been there. I will listen, and am available for ranting and raving, crying, laughing, yelling, or just listening to the silence with you. For me, it has been over 20 years, but every now and then, there is a day it feels new again and I grieve. My child still shows up in my writing, but I am learning how to write of other things as well. I am so sorry to be so far away, but I am an email away or a blog away if you need a friend.

Kate Dudding said...

Dear Granny Sue,

Someone told me that after the death of a loved one, life is never the same.

Please do what you need to do, as your life takes a different sahe, whether it is blogging more, less, different or any otherwise.

I don't know if this is the right time to mention this group but... When my best friend was killed in a car accident when she was 42, her mother found solace in the group Compassionate Friends www.compassionatefriends.org -- "supporting family after a child dies." I think they are a resource you might want sometime in the future.


Hugs,
Kate

Kate Dudding said...

Fixing a bizarre typo:

Please do what you need to do, as your life takes a different shape, whether it is blogging more, less, different or any otherwise.

Kate

Sue said...

we walk with you. you are not alone. prayers and hugs.
sue

Karen Chace said...

My heart grieves with yours Granny Sue. Love, prayers and many hugs surround you from afar. Your friends are here for whatever you need, now and always.

Gwen Rosegren said...

Death is not easy to take no matter how it happens. I am so sorry that this has happened. Jon is gone from your visible eyes but he is still with you. He is in you. I am sure you will feel his presence or hear his voice when you least expect it. Do what you feel is necessary to give your self comfort whether is talking about him or what he has done, what you found out new, or relishing in anything that was his favorite.

Robbyn said...

Our hearts break for your loss, Susanna, and our prayers will not cease. Sending our love across the miles...

Robbyn and Jack

storytlr said...

In time the minute things of life will become even more like radiant, extremely precious gems, but when it is right for you.

I understand well that the snow is welcome. I can remember when Mom passed two years ago it was like a gentle blanket that muffled the world.

My love with you and your family.

Cathy Mosley

Kiranstoryteller said...

Granny Sue,
Even though we live in different continents and have never met, being on Storytell makes me feel close enough to feel very saddened to hear of your loss. My thoughts are with you. Please stay well yourself.

Kiran

laoi gaul~williams said...

oh sue~i have no words, just know i am thiking of you and your family

Connie said...

Oh, Granny Sue -- how your heart must be breaking.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Connie

Country Whispers said...

Not even sure what to say. I can't even imagine what is going through your head and heart at the moment.
Take in every moment while you are there with family because when you return home those moments & memories are what will help you to carry on.
Time heals and you will find the right path to do so on.
My heart & prayers are with you all.

Jenny said...

I'm just checking in with your blog after a few days away.

I just wanted to say I'm praying for you & your family. Post whatever you're comfortable saying. I'll be reading & praying for you.

Granny Sue said...

Friends, thank you for your words of comfort and caring.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My thoughts are with you and yours at this time of sadness.

Laura said...

Granny Sue,
I'm continuing to pray for you and your family. Please continue to write--I believe it will help you get through this.
Know you are surrounded not only by your family but your "blog family" as well.

Twisted Fencepost said...

Dear, dear, Susanna, I wish I could say that I understand. Cause I am the you that was before.
Know that I am feeling your pain from across the miles and am saying prayers for you and your family.

Lisa said...

You have been in my mind so much this week. I have no words to express our condolences well, only to wish you moments of comfort as you journey through such grief. You and your family are in our thoughts and prayers.

Nance said...

It is true, Sister. You can only take one step at a time; one day at a time. Each moment will be different. In one moment you will feel strong and in control . . . and in the next, as a leaf blown on the wind. A blade of grass in river . . . knowing not where you will come to land. Hang on tight, Granny Sue! Keep hold of your Faith! Believe in the Will of the Lord. I pray for your strength. I believe in your courage.

Jason Burns said...

GSue, You can count on me being there for you in this life - however you choose to live it.

I've found that in hard times, it is good to continue writing. It helps me work through things in my head. Whether or not I publish it for the world to see, it helps to sort things out. Just a thought.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your loss, no parent ever thinks they will bury their child. My prayers are are for you and your family. May God bring you some peace and comfort.

JeannieB

Amy said...

Susanna, today is Feb. 9 and I just read your blog post. I am so very sorry for your loss. Please don't stop writing. You are such an inspiration. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Anonymous said...

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. My sister lost her 19 year old in an accident 12 years ago and it was awfully hard. But like you she also said the outpouring of love from family and friends were a tremendous comfort to you.
May God help you and your family heal and be able to fondly remember the good times with your son.

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