The days blur one into another and I'm not sure of today's date. I find myself doing the oddest things with no real plan or purpose. I suppose it's good because small tasks that have been put off are now getting done. I keep trying to focus on my taxes because I know they need to be finished soon, but my mind cannot wrap around the numbers and rules. So I do a little piece each day and hope in the end they make sense.
Perhaps this focus on the mundane is good. It's restful for my mind and keeps my hands busy. What are the little things I've been doing?
-cleaning out the junk drawer (shock and awe result--what we do accumulate in there!)
-sorting through winter clothes and packing ones I don't wear for Goodwill
-ordering garden seeds for the coming year (guaranteed smile producer)
-filing papers and paying bills, sending cards and generally catching up on mail
-sending thank-you notes (guaranteed tears producer)
-hanging laundry outside whenever the weather allows, and inside on the drying rack when it doesn't (smiles and good, deep breaths)
-sorting out the linen closet, resulting in another bag or two for Goodwill
-dusting and cleaning odd corners that often get missed
-making a folder of all the digital pictures I have of Jon (tears again)
-talking on the phone with friends and family (smiles and sometimes tears, depending)
It's a weird list, isn't it? Not things I would have thought someone would do when grieving, but there it is. Then again, I have no idea of what people are supposed to do during grief.
I have not yet gone anywhere, preferring to stay home and not have to meet people who want to tell me how sorry they are. It is a threshold I have to cross yet I know at some point it has to be done. What I don't know is how to do it without either tears or anger. I need thicker armor before facing that challenge.