Like many others I wondered how people moved forward after the loss of a child. I am learning a lesson I never wanted to learn. I will tell you that it is the hardest journey I have had to make, and we've only taken the first small steps.
There is still joy--we tell "Jon Ford" stories about the many memories we share. I have learned much about my son in the past few days that I did not know because he had many friends in different walks of life, and of course his time with his family here has created a pool of adventures and experiences I knew only in part, because I live six hours away. It's a journey of discovery, pain, laughter, and appreciation for the man he was, the husband he learned to be, and the father he became.
This beginning of the journey is longer than many have to endure because of the circumstances. An accident means that certain things must be done before interment. Being far from home complicates the process because of travel and weather difficulties. We are suspended in time, days pass and I'm not sure exactly what day it is. At the same time, I don't want the finality to come because then we will truly have to say good-bye.
So we wait. The 27" of snow kept everyone busy yesterday and will continue to do so today. The snow was a blessing in some ways because it allowed a break in the stream of visitors and we could relax and simply be. Having said that, I will also say that the support and comfort brought by the presence of family and friends has been valuable and appreciated. Today I think everyone here is ready to get out a little and I hope that we will see more loved faces now that the roads are somewhat clear.
I have wondered about this blog and how I will continue it. Can I write here as I have in the past about all the little things that make up our life? Or will it be too difficult when it seems pointless and...what? Insignificant? Trivial when the weight of loss will be a heavy load for many, many days to come?
My son would want us to continue our lives, to work and accomplish as he was so driven to do in his lifetime, to enjoy and relish the time we have to the fullest extent possible, as he did. Saying that is easier than doing it.
I will continue to write, and I think it will be much as before, with this change: there will be a dark patch in the quilt of my life, richly patterned and deep, the patch that will stand out from the others. As Jon, who in life stood out wherever he went.
The journey continues, one step at a time.