Larry and I were talking the other day about how some people, as they age, get to feeling lonely, depressed and useless. We are often alone here, just the two of us--although that is certainly a better situation than many who have lost their mate. But still, I can see how sometimes older people feel left out and even useless when they retire and are no longer part of the hurley burley of the rest of the world. I have seen reports that indicate the elderly have surprisingly high rates of suicide, and the main reason is depression.
Where we live, we seldom get visitors. We're off the beaten track, out of the way, and to come here means that we are the destination, not a stop along the way to someplace or other. Right now our driveway is pretty busy with home health and phyical therapy coming to see Larry every other day, but this is certainly not the norm here. Sometimes weeks go by without anyone stopping by and it's just us two old people rattling around.
I have to admit, I am not one who "drops in" on family or friends either. For one thing, most of our friends and our family are a good distance away, the closest being at least a half hour drive--and like us, they're not on the way to anywhere we might regularly travel. The other thing is that this world really isn't a "drop in" kind of place any more, is it? I remember my mother and her friend Mary Lou--Mary Lou would come over every morning for coffee and a chat. Then there was Patsy who also stopped by often, Doris and her husband who came weekly to play darts, and many others. Living in the center of town had its advantages with close neighbors and people passing through.
But these days, do people still do that? Having not lived in town for years, I don't know but I suspect that these ways have died out as women went out into the workforce and few are actually home during the day. And if they are, they are home-schooling, caring for someone, or working a late shift and trying to sleep and keep up with housework, etc.
For many years we had no telephone, and when we got one so many places were long distance that calling was limited. I haven't quite gotten out of that mold; I call my sons occasionally but rarely do I pick up the phone to call friends. Then there were the years when I had no vehicle or limited access to one, so I didn't go out much. Saturdays were a big deal for me back then because that was go-to-town day, and it was such fun to go to the feed store and the library and the grocery store. Then when I began working my jobs were all long commutes from home, and my time her so limited I cherished the quiet and sanctuary of this place.
I suppose I have lived up on this hill for so long that I actually prefer the quiet and the aloneness. Because even though we have so few visitors, I never feel lonely. I am always busy, and my house is filled with books and other things to occupy my mind. Larry gets out more than I do, and he will drop in on his friends occasionally. But he too says he has never thought he was lonely, and neither of us ever feel useless.
I can imagine how one could get to feeling that way, though, if one had no real interests and didn't read. And as mobility becomes more of a problem with age, going out becomes more difficult. Families grow up, grandchildren move on with their lives, and everyone assumes the old ones are enjoying retirement. Sometimes that's the truth, but other times the elderly relatives are just...lonely.
For now, we're enjoying the comings and goings of the young medical professionals who come to see Larry, and I am enjoying not going anywhere and working on storytelling and writing projects, exploring new recipes and reading some of the hundreds of books on my shelves. I somehow doubt that boredom or loneliness will be a problem for me anytime in the near future.
Copyright Susanna Holstein. All rights reserved. No Republication or Redistribution Allowed without attribution to Susanna Holstein.
I have a theory about friendship and loneliness which is based on old age but can really be seen as applicable to all ages. It's about building community and giving out bits of yourself without expecting any return. When I was studying solution focused therapy at the turn of the century (I was in the process of being made redundant and my bosses paid for the course!), I came across a story told by a therapist. He had visited an elderly lady who was suffering profound depression. She lived by herself and never saw anyone. He admired the profusion of beautiful African violets in her house and noticed she had a church leaflet by her phone. At the end of their time together, he set her a task. "I want your to read through your church news and to everyone who has married, had a baby or lost a loved one, I want you to send an African violet." The woman thought he was mad, but she complied with his instructions. People sent her thank you notes and some visited. She kept up the task until she died and there were a thousand people at her funeral. She was known locally as the "African Violet Lady".
ReplyDeleteMy mother was second generation relief church organist for local villages. My father mends clocks for neighbours (he is 90 and has mended a clock for someone in nearly every village in a ten mile radius of his farm). They have never charged and never expected any monetary reward for their activities. My mother died four years ago and my father lives alone in the farm house one mile from the nearest village. He doesn't drive any more but has developed a network of new friends by making name badges for the attendees of his local Men in Sheds (a voluntary group for men) and offering to mend the clocks of people he meets, who are often referred by those for whom he has already helped. He loves having something to play with, meeting new people and being taken to put the clock back in its original position to make sure it goes correctly. His friendship network means that I don't have to worry quite so much about him, because as long as he see someone every day to talk to, I know he's ok. (We live an hour away and visit twice a month either for a day or three days and I do all his cooking.) Both my husband and I have our own communities here in the town we live in, as do our two children nearby and our eldest and his family have been wonderfully adept at building their friendship and support networks over two hours away near London. I see other elderly people who have drawn themselves inwards for so many years and when the time comes that they need support they are totally reliant on sometimes overburdened family or professional services. They have often lost interest in anything external and you see the spark of potential joy disappearing from their eyes.
Sorry to write so much.
Decades ago I was criticized for dropping in on someone without calling first. I stopped dropping in.
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